This is a hilarious version of the traditional fairy story featuring Jack and his mother Dame Dolly. Jack sells Buttercup the cow for a handful of beans and when Dolly throws them away a giant beanstalk grows at the top of which is a magical land. Other characters include the evil Count Vladimir and his assistant Boris who run the House of Horrors at the fair and the conmen Mr Alcock and Mr Bull. An overgrown elf called Alf provides an interesting alternative to the usual pantomime fairy. There are plenty of laughs with a silly schoolroom scene, fun with a magic hat and oranges falling on heads. The House of Horrors provides the opportunity for lots of spooky fun.
Male – 5
Female – 7
Male or female – 5
There is also a pantomime cow, a giant hen, small speaking parts for chorus members & juniors. As with all pantomime many of these parts could be played by male or female of any age.
Excerpt
Dolly: Where’s that Jack? What time does he call this?
Simon: Ten o’clock, same as everyone else.
Dolly: Exactly. It’s well past my bedtime.
Simon: And you need all the beauty sleep you can get.
Dolly: And I need all... (realising what he means) ooohh!
Jack enters DR.
Simon: Hello Jack, where have you been?
Jack: I’ve been with the most beautiful girl in the world.
Dolly: You mean apart from me.
Jack: Um, yes of course I mean apart from you.
Dolly: Did you sell Buttercup?
Jack: Yes mother. I sold her to the Count just as you told me.
Simon: So where’s the dosh.
Jack: Here it is. (Hands bag to Dolly).
Dolly: What’s this? You sold our lovely Buttercup for a handful of beans?
Jack: I’m sorry, I just took the purse he gave me and didn’t think to check it. I assumed you’d agreed a price.
Dolly: Whatever did I do to deserve such stupid sons?
Simon: I may be simple but at least I never sold a cow for a load of beans.
Dolly: Load of beans? Load of rubbish! What are we going to eat now?
Simon: Beans?
Dolly: You fool, a woman of my stature can’t live on beans. (Starts to exit DL).
Jack: Where are you going?
Dolly: To throw these beans in the garden where they belong, then I’m off to bed. I’ll sort you useless pair out in the morning. (Exits).
Jack: Oh dear, she’s very angry with me.
Simon: Yep. As far as she’s concerned you’re a has been!
Jack: Maybe things will look brighter in the morning. Come on, let’s go to bed.
Jack and Simon exit DL.
Jack: (Offstage) Goodnight Simon.
Simon: (Offstage) Goodnight Jack.
Dolly: (Offstage) Goodnight Simon.
Jack: (Offstage) Goodnight Mother.
Dolly: (Offstage) Goodnight Jack.
Man’s voice (Offstage) Goodnight Dolly Daydream.
Dolly: (Offstage) Who the heck was that?
Alf the Elf enters DL to a small drum roll.
Alf: Goodnight everyone. Well we’re on the right lines with that drum roll but something louder next time I think, as befits my elf confidence. So, that nasty Count has bought Buttercup for a handful of beans. Poor Jack is in love Tina and doesn’t know she’s a princess. He’ll never be allowed to marry her while he’s so poor. This calls for some really clever magic. Luckily I’ve been getting in trim at the local elf farm so I’m up to the job. Here goes…(he waves his hand and there is a sound effect) …there, that should do it. They’ll be in for a surprise in the morning.
Male – 5
Female – 7
Male or female – 5
There is also a pantomime cow, a giant hen, small speaking parts for chorus members & juniors. As with all pantomime many of these parts could be played by male or female of any age.
Excerpt
Dolly: Where’s that Jack? What time does he call this?
Simon: Ten o’clock, same as everyone else.
Dolly: Exactly. It’s well past my bedtime.
Simon: And you need all the beauty sleep you can get.
Dolly: And I need all... (realising what he means) ooohh!
Jack enters DR.
Simon: Hello Jack, where have you been?
Jack: I’ve been with the most beautiful girl in the world.
Dolly: You mean apart from me.
Jack: Um, yes of course I mean apart from you.
Dolly: Did you sell Buttercup?
Jack: Yes mother. I sold her to the Count just as you told me.
Simon: So where’s the dosh.
Jack: Here it is. (Hands bag to Dolly).
Dolly: What’s this? You sold our lovely Buttercup for a handful of beans?
Jack: I’m sorry, I just took the purse he gave me and didn’t think to check it. I assumed you’d agreed a price.
Dolly: Whatever did I do to deserve such stupid sons?
Simon: I may be simple but at least I never sold a cow for a load of beans.
Dolly: Load of beans? Load of rubbish! What are we going to eat now?
Simon: Beans?
Dolly: You fool, a woman of my stature can’t live on beans. (Starts to exit DL).
Jack: Where are you going?
Dolly: To throw these beans in the garden where they belong, then I’m off to bed. I’ll sort you useless pair out in the morning. (Exits).
Jack: Oh dear, she’s very angry with me.
Simon: Yep. As far as she’s concerned you’re a has been!
Jack: Maybe things will look brighter in the morning. Come on, let’s go to bed.
Jack and Simon exit DL.
Jack: (Offstage) Goodnight Simon.
Simon: (Offstage) Goodnight Jack.
Dolly: (Offstage) Goodnight Simon.
Jack: (Offstage) Goodnight Mother.
Dolly: (Offstage) Goodnight Jack.
Man’s voice (Offstage) Goodnight Dolly Daydream.
Dolly: (Offstage) Who the heck was that?
Alf the Elf enters DL to a small drum roll.
Alf: Goodnight everyone. Well we’re on the right lines with that drum roll but something louder next time I think, as befits my elf confidence. So, that nasty Count has bought Buttercup for a handful of beans. Poor Jack is in love Tina and doesn’t know she’s a princess. He’ll never be allowed to marry her while he’s so poor. This calls for some really clever magic. Luckily I’ve been getting in trim at the local elf farm so I’m up to the job. Here goes…(he waves his hand and there is a sound effect) …there, that should do it. They’ll be in for a surprise in the morning.