This is a very funny comedy murder mystery play for a large mixed cast. A group of performers meet for their annual summer extravaganza on Seagull Pier but one by one people start to die. Can Detective Inspector Body and Constable Dickens discover the truth and reveal the murderer? The script includes the opportunity for three songs, two from the junior members and one duet for a male and female couple.
Male – 9
Female – 10
Juniors - 5
Excerpt
Alfonso: Greetings old friends! Why the long faces? The Great Alfonso has returned!
Aggie: That’s all we need.
Alfonso: How delightful to see you again Agatha. The most excellent keeper of the props I have ever worked with. No-one else looks after my box like you.
Fred: And who’s this pretty newcomer?
Alfonso: Let me introduce you to Nancy, my new assistant.
Nancy: Hello.
Aggie: You look very young sweetie. Do you have much stage experience?
Nancy: Oh no.
Fred: Still, I expect Alfonso’s told you what’s required for the act.
Nancy: Oh no, I’ve no idea. I only started today.
Aggie: Well, first he ties you up, puts you in a box and makes you disappear, and then he saws you in half.
Nancy: What? I didn’t know about that.
Alfonso: Ignore them my dear, it’s perfectly safe. Very few of my assistants have actually been hurt.
Nancy: Oh dear.
Barney Brown enters DL
Barney: Hello, hello, is this the rehearsal room?
Alfonso: Indeed it is my good man. Who are you?
Barney: Barney Brown, I’m the new comic.
Fred: Welcome to the madhouse!
Aggie: Another man who thinks he’s funny, that’s all we need.
Nancy: Hello, I’m new too.
Barney: (Shaking her hand) Very pleased to meet you. I’m normally at the Grand Hotel for the summer season but it’s being renovated so my agent booked Seagull Pier for me instead.
Alfonso: An excellent choice. We have a very talented group here. (Shakes his hand) I’m the Great Alfonso, practitioner of magic and illusion.
Barney: Hey, what did one magician say to another? Who was that girl I sawed you with last night?
Aggie: Is that the best you can do?
Barney: Okay, try this one – what do you get if you cross a snake with a magician? An abra da cobra!
Fred: (Laughing) I haven’t heard that one before.
Alfonso: Really Frederick, don’t encourage him. The performance of magic is far too serious an art to mock.
Barney: I wasn’t mocking you, just having a bit of a laugh. It’s what I do.
Aggie: God help us!
Rose Parkinson enters DL
Rose: Hello, you must be the new boy. I’m Rose Parkinson, wardrobe mistress. I need to measure you for your costumes.
Fred: Watch out Barney, she’ll be after your inside leg!
Rose: Take no notice of him. (She starts measuring Barney).
Barney: Fine by me. It’s important that the costumes fit well.
Aggie: Oh they won’t fit at all, she just likes measuring people.
Nancy: I’ll need a costume, I’m new too.
Aggie: You must be new if you want Rose to make you an outfit.
Nancy: Will I have something glamourous?
Rose: Yes of course dear, Archie likes the girls to look fabulous.
Alfonso: As long as she doesn’t upstage me.
Fred: Don’t worry, no-one could ever upstage you Alfonso.
Alfonso: Where are the rest of our merry band? I was hoping to have a word with Archibald before rehearsals.
Rose: They’ve all gone to the Pig and Whistle for a quick drink.
Barney: D’you know, I went for a pint the other day and ended up in an awful pub called the Stradivarius. It was a vile inn!
Fred: Ha, ha! That’s a cracker.
Nancy: I don’t get it. What’s so funny about a pub being horrid?
Aggie: (After a short silence) I think I’ll get on with sorting the props. (She exits UR).
Fred: I’d better get cracking too. Archie will expect the scenery to be ready by yesterday. (Exits UR).
Male – 9
Female – 10
Juniors - 5
Excerpt
Alfonso: Greetings old friends! Why the long faces? The Great Alfonso has returned!
Aggie: That’s all we need.
Alfonso: How delightful to see you again Agatha. The most excellent keeper of the props I have ever worked with. No-one else looks after my box like you.
Fred: And who’s this pretty newcomer?
Alfonso: Let me introduce you to Nancy, my new assistant.
Nancy: Hello.
Aggie: You look very young sweetie. Do you have much stage experience?
Nancy: Oh no.
Fred: Still, I expect Alfonso’s told you what’s required for the act.
Nancy: Oh no, I’ve no idea. I only started today.
Aggie: Well, first he ties you up, puts you in a box and makes you disappear, and then he saws you in half.
Nancy: What? I didn’t know about that.
Alfonso: Ignore them my dear, it’s perfectly safe. Very few of my assistants have actually been hurt.
Nancy: Oh dear.
Barney Brown enters DL
Barney: Hello, hello, is this the rehearsal room?
Alfonso: Indeed it is my good man. Who are you?
Barney: Barney Brown, I’m the new comic.
Fred: Welcome to the madhouse!
Aggie: Another man who thinks he’s funny, that’s all we need.
Nancy: Hello, I’m new too.
Barney: (Shaking her hand) Very pleased to meet you. I’m normally at the Grand Hotel for the summer season but it’s being renovated so my agent booked Seagull Pier for me instead.
Alfonso: An excellent choice. We have a very talented group here. (Shakes his hand) I’m the Great Alfonso, practitioner of magic and illusion.
Barney: Hey, what did one magician say to another? Who was that girl I sawed you with last night?
Aggie: Is that the best you can do?
Barney: Okay, try this one – what do you get if you cross a snake with a magician? An abra da cobra!
Fred: (Laughing) I haven’t heard that one before.
Alfonso: Really Frederick, don’t encourage him. The performance of magic is far too serious an art to mock.
Barney: I wasn’t mocking you, just having a bit of a laugh. It’s what I do.
Aggie: God help us!
Rose Parkinson enters DL
Rose: Hello, you must be the new boy. I’m Rose Parkinson, wardrobe mistress. I need to measure you for your costumes.
Fred: Watch out Barney, she’ll be after your inside leg!
Rose: Take no notice of him. (She starts measuring Barney).
Barney: Fine by me. It’s important that the costumes fit well.
Aggie: Oh they won’t fit at all, she just likes measuring people.
Nancy: I’ll need a costume, I’m new too.
Aggie: You must be new if you want Rose to make you an outfit.
Nancy: Will I have something glamourous?
Rose: Yes of course dear, Archie likes the girls to look fabulous.
Alfonso: As long as she doesn’t upstage me.
Fred: Don’t worry, no-one could ever upstage you Alfonso.
Alfonso: Where are the rest of our merry band? I was hoping to have a word with Archibald before rehearsals.
Rose: They’ve all gone to the Pig and Whistle for a quick drink.
Barney: D’you know, I went for a pint the other day and ended up in an awful pub called the Stradivarius. It was a vile inn!
Fred: Ha, ha! That’s a cracker.
Nancy: I don’t get it. What’s so funny about a pub being horrid?
Aggie: (After a short silence) I think I’ll get on with sorting the props. (She exits UR).
Fred: I’d better get cracking too. Archie will expect the scenery to be ready by yesterday. (Exits UR).